A Relation so strange...

“There comes a time in life of each individual when everything around seems so bleak, when the rays refuse to enlighten your doors, when the moon light is obscured by eclipse and when even stars refuse to twinkle. This is the time you crave for being architect of your own life. This is when you start finding for some option, some shade which keeps you away from the harsh heat of the bitter truth. This shade then achieves ‘ambrosia’s supremacy’ -- Something which is eternal, something which is pious, something which is above all something called Love…”

A new story each day… My life is really dramatic… Each day something new happens… But this one’s something that I had never expected to happen but  I am enjoying it at this moment… I don’t know where this is gonna take me but sometimes  in life it’s not about right or wrong, it’s just about doing….  And so is the thing with me…

This is me Briana D’ Souza and this is my story…

I was a happy girl believing in today, Living it now… In small duration of life, mere twenty years, I had seen lots of ups and downs, victories and defeats, poverty as well as wealth… Others who suffer the pain complain of it but I treasured what life gave me whether good or bad… I believed in experiencing all the shades of life and so I even enjoyed the pain… I was someone who believed in experimenting… I had danced, I had sang, I had acted. I did all that could be done…  But writing remained my favorite job…

It was my writing that made me meet this person—Jai…

Ten-Five-Twelve… 

I still remember… This was the date I first encountered this person on facebook…

He had read one of my articles and sent me friend request and a message—“ I loved your article…You are a wonderful writer…” And I humbly accepted his appreciation with words ‘thank you’…

“Hey was sup gal???”

“I am fine you say…”

“Me too…  How’s your college? How’s your life??? Your hobbies??? Your interests???”

This is how it started…

Initially with formal talks and then later little flirting like typical college going students…

But there was something which attracted us towards each other as the days passed. Now we started chatting with each other for long hours, phone numbers were exchanged. Though we knew nothing about each other but still our days started greeting ‘Happy Morning’ to each other and nights started discussing what all happened the whole day. If there was nothing to discuss we discussed just the weather. I enjoyed his company and he mine. A strange sense of closeness bonded us. He confessed all the good and bad of his life to me and I did the same with him as if we were responsible to no one else except each other. We had never seen each other except for pictures on facebook, we had not heard each other’s voice, we knew nothing about each other but still there was something which dwelled between us  as gospel truth- something which is called trust—trust between the strangers…

We both were moving ahead in our lives, on two distant roads which we knew would never converge but still we were together…  Promises were made which we knew would never be fulfilled but still we believed they would never be broken, love was made, kisses were exchanged, the feeling of closeness without slightest touch was felt. This was strange, strange to experience and strange for others to understand but some real magic was going between both of us.

Twenty nine- Six- Twelve

I had been complaining my mother about pain in my leg since last two months, I was attending physiotherapy but there was no improvement… On twenty ninth suddenly today while walking my knee got locked up and the very moment I fell on the ground and lost consciousness for a while.

I was taken to a hospital. On examination doctor found a lump on my left lower limb just below my waist.

There was nothing to worry, I was told by my doctor but to reassure they said I had to undergo few investigations.

Next day I was taken to a hospital. There I came to know the lump on my lower limb was suspected to be cancerous.

Meanwhile the things continued the same way between me and jai…

‘I love you’ He texted me while I was waiting in the hospital. And forgetting all about cancer my lips flowered with a smile and I replied ‘I love you too…’  

He inquired ‘Really”

And I said ‘of course not.. Lol..’

“You know you have become an inevitable art of my life… Where ever life takes us, you be with me till my death…” He said…
“Always by your side, my stranger yet know buddy…” 

“Even if I am a stranger I am not a cheater, I would never hurt you, would never take advantage of any situation, would never ditch, would never betray…”His words filled my heart but it was time to go for the test so all I could tell him was—“I trust you.”

Three- Four days later my reports came… Ewing’s Sarcoma read the report… I was told I will have to undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy and within a few days I would be able to be back to the routine, back to college…

I started with my treatment… Within a  few  days I lost weight of about 10 kgs, Now carrying out the routine tasks also became difficult for me, , eyebrows fell, hairs fell, I was afraid of seeing myself in mirror, eating became difficult, drinking became difficult. Now my routine included lying on bed the whole day. During this period when all others treated me with sympathy which I hated, it was only Jai who talked to me normally, of course because I never told him I had cancer… Talking to him was my only resort to escape from the pity and miseries…

I was just back from my radiation therapy visits when one day my phone beeped—it was Jai, initially with hellos and all… Then he started—"I wish to kiss you now…" I was in pain after the radiations so I just replied- "I am a little occupied at this moment, I will talk to you later… But he continued – “I wish to get high with you now.”  To this I did not reply. But he kept messaging me continuously. Now I was really agitated—“You want me to be with you for this? When I said I am occupied don't you understand there must be something really bothersome so I am not talking. Why it has to go as and when you want. Why can't you be a little considerate ever?”

Jai knew he had crossed his limits and so he apologized multiple times but I was in no mood to talk to him then and so I did not reply at all…

I did not talk to him though but I was really missing him… I was thinking of him all day—

“Jai, don’t know why you had an entry written in my life… God knows why you barged in my life… You are really bad. Someone whom I would have hated to talk, someone I would have never thought of holding close. But you entered my life in the time I was all alone and gifted me with a half moon on my face when all the pleasures turned their back. ’Sweety’, ‘Baby’ ‘Hotty’ ‘Buddy-babes’ Am I a fool to fall for a guy just because he calls me with these names??? Just because he makes false promises that he would quench me with everything, even when I know these are mere words and not the real promises??? Just because he sees me beautiful and makes me feel delicately beautiful??? Why it is that mere texting with him makes me feel he is there right on my side??? Why is it that rather than abusing him I laugh on his silly naughty talks … He is no one but still he means a lot to me. He is not at all a person I’ll go for but also someone I cannot leave. And, and I don’t know for what reasons… Sometimes some relations in life are really obscure. You know the truth about them but still they remain complete puzzle for you…  This is one of those relations between you and me...”

The next day I started talking to him again…Simply because living without him was absolutely an egregious feeling for me now...

Things were going smooth…. It was 6 months from the date I was first diagnosed with cancer. I was in the hospital. Doctor after seeing my reports talked something to my dad and when my dad entered the room his eyes were full of tears… I could not understand why…

“Daddy, I’ll be fine.” I told him but on hearing this, his eyes rained even more… I had to be strong when my hardcore daddy was becoming weak… I myself wiped his tears. I could not dare to pour even a single teardrop out of my eyes.

Next few days my chemotherapy and radiotherapy were stopped. I was simply on medicines which I knew were meant to make my journey to deathbed comfortable.

I had last few days may be-- a month or even less, I knew… I had to utilize these moments. I left no opportunity to tell my mommy—“Mom you are the best mom in the world… If I have a second birth I would have it as your daughter…”

I told my daddy—“Daddy, you don’t need to blame yourself for this. You tried your best but everything ahead lies in destiny’s will. You are my super hero, Dad… You have been the most wonderful person of my life. You are my ideal… I want a promise from you -- Don’t break after I go and don’t let mom cry… You two have given me all pleasures of life and I am really thankful to have you as my parents… I really, really love you a lot…”

After my mom dad, I was left to thank a person who had been a constant support in my journey, who helped me in infinite ways to stay away from the pain of impending death yet who didn’t even know that my stay on the earth was only a few days more. Yes, Jai it was… I had to do something for him… He had gifted me with pleasures in my last days so I didn’t want to gift him with pain of my death…

What then??? I kept thinking… Finally I decided. The other day I myself started a fight with him on a silly matter and made the fight grow huge. I abused him, called him a cheat, an asshole…  I presented myself very bad in his vision so that he could start hating me and would never turn back to me again… After our conversation ended I blocked him on my face book…  I destroyed my sim card… I left him with no option to get to know about me… 

While my eyes were flooding I myself closed all the doors between me and him. Yes it did hurt me, hurt me even more than him but I knew it was the best option I had… I knew he would get angry when he would think of me, he would abuse me, he would curse me for defying but atleast he would not lament. Those few tears of his eyes that I could stop would be my biggest gain when I leave this land…

Twenty eight – One – Thirteen…

Its mid night… My breaths are growing heavy… May be these are my last few hours on earth. So before my arms become powerless, my eyelids drop and my breaths and beats retire from their job, with my whole heart and all my powers I am scribbling last few words for the most special person of my life – Jai , to tell you, Thank you for what you have been to me… I was never a defiant my love, I was never a cheat, I really loved you from the bottom of my heart… It was a fairy tale which was going between you and me but like all other fairy tales even this had to have an end. Unfortunately destiny had a sad end written for this one. You were the most beautiful person of my life. We never saw each other, never met, and never even heard each other’s voice but still we shared a blissful relation so strange... You always demanded – write a love poem for me and I used to say – I will, when the right time comes…Today I confess my life in itself became so poetical ever since I met you that I could never dare to put those feelings in words. But before I leave this land, here it is for you my love – My last poem—

Endless love…

Hearts are created in pairs they say,

Each one finds its match some day.

Smiling in concordance I dreamt the same each day,

But for world my lips always had - a loud pretentious Nay!!!

I had my dreams, my goals to turn true,
My heart thus had no time to let love brew.
I myself encaged it in an inaccessible tough outer me,
So deep that its flurry even I could never see.

But then you came in my life,
And every thing started to alter.
This strong confident girl 
Unwillingly started to falter.

I tried to put million veils,
But cupid's arrow pierces all rails.
Even the mighty sun by its hit sets
To meet its love- the ocean, traversing sky's falcate...

No, No ,,, I kept telling
To you and to myself,
But you entered deep I don't know how,
To take over my inner-self.

Now my days start smiling with your thought,
And nights pass dreaming of you on my cot.
Each thing around associates beautifully with you,
May it be mighty sun or pure delicate dew...

Mere few words with you make me feel you are near,
I know you are miles away but you stay in my heart right here.
Now the breeze when swirls whispers your love in my ear,
Warmth of sun comforts me with your thought my dear.

Water when touches my lips
Gently fills me with pleasure of our first kiss,
And the naughty wind when blows my skirt
Makes me push you back with an amorous hiss...

The tear drop on my own cheek
Consoles me as if it were your love-full caress,
My quilt draping me all around
Comforts me as your torrid embrace...

I am filled with pleasure expecting you
Every time that my phone rings,
And your silence robs my breaths and beats
Besieging me with the worries of your wellbeing.

I keep telling- No I'll fall in love with you never!
But a mere thought of being bereft you bewilders me with terror...

No more! I tell to my self 
But each time I turn back to you helplessly,
Why? When? How? I don't know
All I know is- I love you endlessly...
                  ||Sshree||